The truth hurts...

I don’t even know if I can write this. Just the thoughts of it and tears start rolling. I wish I had some time back…I wish so many things. But here I am 3 years and 11 months post op and out of the 120+lbs I lost from having VSG in September of 2012…I have gained most likely 80lbs back…if not more. I really don’t want to step on the scale.

 

That’s right…not 10, 15, 20 or even 50lbs but the BIG OLE 8-0!!!

 

Regain is life, it’s bound to happen. But THIS regain is CRAZY!

 

I saw it coming!! I didn’t just wake up one morning and I was 80lbs heavier.  It is no one’s fault but my own. I can sit here and write all kinds of excuses but I’m not. For months now, I have told myself…I will start back tomorrow. I will track my foods, drink shakes and lots of water. No more bread, pasta, sweets, etc. Tomorrow never comes and if it does, I have failed miserably before the day has ended. What happened to that determination? I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Now here I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again. Everything aches, no energy. Having feelings of hopelessness, depression and anxiety all over again. You’d think every time I packed away another size of clothing…not to go down but to go up a size. It would have hit me. When I was at the doctor and stepped on that scale and the first number that I worked so hard for to become a 1 to turn back into a 2. That should have been the point where I said I will not let this happen to me. However, I didn’t change a thing. I continued down that slippery slope. I’m an addict; weight loss surgery didn’t change that.

 

I have gotten to wear I hate going places where I see people I know. I hate having to find something to wear. I see the looks I am given by those who saw me change for the better to be right back where I was. I know comments are made as to why would I let myself gain it back…there is not a day I don’t think the same thing. There is not a day or even a moment in the day my mind is not on my weight and this battle I am facing.

 

I am not writing this because I have an answer of what to do. I really don’t have an answer. My sleeve was my tool…my answer! I know it’s there. I do feel restriction when I eat what I am supposed to. But I have abused my sleeve so much. All we go through as wls patients and I took advantage of the opportunity I was given. I know there is no finish line. I am in a lifelong battle of food addiction. When I had reached under my goal of 145, my mind was not there. I didn’t see it. Now if I look at a picture of me at my lowest weight…which I rarely do anymore…I see it! I don’t have a clue how I am going to get back to there but I DO KNOW…I have got to give it my all to try. What I do know is I can’t keep on like this.

 

1 Year Post Op...catching up!

I was actually 1 year post op over a month ago. Been cutting back on some expenses since it's just me and my little guy now, so I turned off my internet at home. Then my browser is so out dated at work, Blogger won't work anymore. So, I'm blogging via my cell...bare with me!!

Here I am 13 months post op. I had gotten to a weigh in of 159 now I'm back at 161. I've been 161 for a while now. It could be worse, I could be gaining more. I have only been to the gym a handful of times since my separation. I decided though that I will not let this transition hold me back from my goal. I have 16lbs to lose to meet goal and I'm gonna get there! I owe it to myself. Yesterday, I went back to the gym yesterday and it felt incredible. Considering it had been so long (three weeks!!) I was proud of myself.

Day 350 Post Op

My 1 year Surgiversary is quickly approaching!! I have faced the fact that I will not be at goal, which is okay. However, even with all the DRAMA I have surrounding my life right now; I managed to lose this week. How? I have no idea because I have been basically stuffing my face with slider foods and have only been to the gym twice in the last two weeks… NOT GOOD! Today’s weigh-in was 162.1lbs. A loss of 2.3lbs this week and a total loss so far of 107.2lbs!!! I now have 17.1lbs to lose to reach my ultimate goal of 145! I did look up my BMI today just to check…my starting BMI at surgery was 44, my BMI today is 27! LOVE IT!! I appreciate all the support I have received and I know I will get there and things at home will calm down. And as soon as we get back into some kind of routine; I can hit it hard :)

11 Months Post-Op

I haven’t posted in so long. I was just going to wait until my 1 year surgiversary but there has been so many things going on in my life, I felt I needed to write about it. I am 11 months post op now. I haven’t reached my goal yet but I am slowly and surely going to get there. I have lost a total of 105lbs. I have 20lbs more to lose. I’ll get there! I feel good physically. I am physically a completely different person now. I have energy and I’m able to do so much more with so less effort. It’s an awesome feeling!! I still struggle with my fat brain. It wants to eat the wrong things; it wants to tell me that my loose skin is hideous and that I am still that fat and insecure girl. I listen much less then I used to though  I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. My husband and I have separated. We had serious problems prior to my weight loss and he wasn’t too thrilled about me having surgery anyway. I think a lot had to do with his insecurities in that we had a big age gap between us (me being the younger one). It was my decision and a very difficult one. I had stayed in the marriage because of our precious little boy. However, I didn’t feel like it was fair to any of us for him to be raised in a home where it was always stressful, tense and his parents were not happy. It has been hard on all of us. However, my main concern and priority is with my little guy that he adjusts well and knows that not only is this not his fault but that both his parents love and adore him and will take care of him. He is only 4 and he’s slowly coming around. We have good and bad days. Due to everything going on, I haven’t been hitting the gym like I was. I know I will get there. I have been attending one or two Zumba classes a week…I LOVE Zumba!! I know my fluid and protein consumption hasn’t been as great as they have been. Stress definitely has an effect on my sleeve. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let this discourage me or sabotage all that I have worked for. So, I am going to pay more attention…for a few weeks I was using My Fitness Pal, which helped me a lot. Got to get back on that! I also have my year follow-up with my surgeon on September 4th. I can’t wait!!! I’ll update and keep you posted how it goes. Take Care guys!!

10 months Post-op

I haven't posted in a while. I've been doing well though. The weight loss had slowed quite a bit, however I have reached a goal if 100lbs lost. Hope everyone is well. I'll post again soon! :)

Happy 9 month Surgiversary to me!!

Today is my 9 month Surgiversary! YAY!! So, I thought I would make some lists. First, a list of all the Non-Scale Victories I have had over the last 9 months (well, as many as I can remember). Thankfully, I have had many! Secondly, a list of the challenges and struggles I face since making this life changing decision. Lastly, I wanted to make a list of my goals for the next few months coming up to my 1 year anniversary.

First of all, I did my usual Friday morning weigh-in. For the last couple of weeks I have stayed the same (that is better than a gain any day!)

This morning I was 175.6lbs.

For a total loss of 93.7lbs

With 30.6lbs more to go

To hit my goal of 145lbs.

I have so many people telling me that I would be too skinny if I lost 30 more pounds. I don’t think so; maybe they are just trying to be nice. I look so very different with clothes on then clothes off (Thank You Spanx, I Love You!!) I most definitely have 30 more pounds to lose!

On to the Lists…

NSV (Non Scale Victories)

·        No more Diabetes!!! My A1C levels are now in the NORMAL range J

·        Wearing clothes off the regular size racks…LOVE THAT!

·        My BMI going from 44 (morbidly obese) to 29 (overweight)

·        Crossing my legs with ease

·        Painting my toe nails with ease

·        Tying my shoes with ease

·        Walking with ease

·        Being able to wrap a regular sized towel around me out of the shower and it lap over from top to bottom

·        No longer being the biggest person in the room.

Challenges

·        Head Hunger…needless to say…It’s a biotch! You know the saying…Shut up stomach; you’re bored not hungry…that’s me!

·        Carbs…Anytime I have something upsetting or stressful come my way, the first thing I think is…I need crunchy and salty now!

·        Making time to exercise more. Having a little one, a full time job and a household to keep up, it’s easy to make excuses.

GOALS

·        A No Excuse Attitude! I made this commitment and it is up to be to follow through. The only one getting cheated is me when I make excuses.

·        Be considered a Healthy BMI by my 1 year anniversary in 3 months! That is to lose 30lbs to be at 145lbs J

·        More Zumba, Cardio and Resistance Training to tone up my flabbiness.

There were many days after surgery that I thought to myself “What did I do??” It’s normal! As I have read and heard from other wls patients. There is no finish line. This is a life changing decision and I can say that I would do it all again tomorrow!

34 weeks Post-op

Almost 8 months…wow it’s hard to comprehend. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that I was on my way to the hospital for surgery then other times it feels like I have been on this journey forever.  There are so many wonderful changes happening. More energy, more outgoing, smaller sizes, having fun exercising; it’s like a whole new world is opening up to me. I read about a Color Vibe 5K run coming near my home in June. I would love to be a part of it. I haven’t been running but just the thoughts of being able to excite me. I may end up just volunteering at this one; I think that would be loads of fun too.

A year ago, I was at a low, I couldn’t walk to the mailbox without being out of breath. I would walk into the house after a day at work and just want to eat and go to bed. I was exhausted. Don’t get me wrong life is not all roses but I have made some drastic changes. I have focused on the things I have control over…ME! Now, I’m energized! I’m sitting on go all the time. It’s simply an amazing feeling.

I was asked the other day if I still got nervous when it was time to step on the scale. Of course I do! I also keep in mind that the scale can also only tell me one thing. My weight; the scale cannot tell me how I physically feel. There have been quite a few times since surgery, I have stepped on the scale and it is the same as the week before and even a couple times be a gain from the week before. I try my best not to let it discourage me but inspire me to work even harder.  Then those days that it’s time to weigh in and I have had a loss. I feel blessed; so very fortunate that I had the opportunity to take this path to better health. Today was one of those days. I stepped on the scale this morning and I had a 2.2lb loss this week. 180.6lbs! I couldn’t be happier. I couldn’t even envision weighing 180lbs a year ago.

I know this journey is difficult and when I am feeling down and I want to give in to those mind games. I just remember myself prior to surgery and how lost I felt then. How uncomfortable I was in my own skin. Then I look at now, it’s not always easy to see what others see. My mind is still having issues catching up with my body. However, I sit back and take a few quiet moments and realize I am a different person now. I am in control of myself. I succeed because I choose to.