Monday, August 1, 2016

The truth hurts...

I don’t even know if I can write this. Just the thoughts of it and tears start rolling. I wish I had some time back…I wish so many things. But here I am 3 years and 11 months post op and out of the 120+lbs I lost from having VSG in September of 2012…I have gained most likely 80lbs back…if not more. I really don’t want to step on the scale.


That’s right…not 10, 15, 20 or even 50lbs but the BIG OLE 8-0!!!


Regain is life, it’s bound to happen. But THIS regain is CRAZY!


I saw it coming!! I didn’t just wake up one morning and I was 80lbs heavier.  It is no one’s fault but my own. I can sit here and write all kinds of excuses but I’m not. For months now, I have told myself…I will start back tomorrow. I will track my foods, drink shakes and lots of water. No more bread, pasta, sweets, etc. Tomorrow never comes and if it does, I have failed miserably before the day has ended. What happened to that determination? I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Now here I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again. Everything aches, no energy. Having feelings of hopelessness, depression and anxiety all over again. You’d think every time I packed away another size of clothing…not to go down but to go up a size. It would have hit me. When I was at the doctor and stepped on that scale and the first number that I worked so hard for to become a 1 to turn back into a 2. That should have been the point where I said I will not let this happen to me. However, I didn’t change a thing. I continued down that slippery slope. I’m an addict; weight loss surgery didn’t change that.


I have gotten to wear I hate going places where I see people I know. I hate having to find something to wear. I see the looks I am given by those who saw me change for the better to be right back where I was. I know comments are made as to why would I let myself gain it back…there is not a day I don’t think the same thing. There is not a day or even a moment in the day my mind is not on my weight and this battle I am facing.


I am not writing this because I have an answer of what to do. I really don’t have an answer. My sleeve was my tool…my answer! I know it’s there. I do feel restriction when I eat what I am supposed to. But I have abused my sleeve so much. All we go through as wls patients and I took advantage of the opportunity I was given. I know there is no finish line. I am in a lifelong battle of food addiction. When I had reached under my goal of 145, my mind was not there. I didn’t see it. Now if I look at a picture of me at my lowest weight…which I rarely do anymore…I see it! I don’t have a clue how I am going to get back to there but I DO KNOW…I have got to give it my all to try. What I do know is I can’t keep on like this.