I don’t even know if I can write this. Just the thoughts of
it and tears start rolling. I wish I had some time back…I wish so many things.
But here I am 3 years and 11 months post op and out of the 120+lbs I lost from
having VSG in September of 2012…I have gained most likely 80lbs back…if not
more. I really don’t want to step on the scale.
That’s right…not 10, 15, 20 or even 50lbs but the BIG OLE
8-0!!!
Regain is life, it’s bound to happen. But THIS regain is
CRAZY!
I saw it coming!! I didn’t just wake up one morning and I
was 80lbs heavier. It is no one’s fault
but my own. I can sit here and write all kinds of excuses but I’m not. For
months now, I have told myself…I will start back tomorrow. I will track my
foods, drink shakes and lots of water. No more bread, pasta, sweets, etc.
Tomorrow never comes and if it does, I have failed miserably before the day has
ended. What happened to that determination? I was sick and tired of being sick
and tired. Now here I am sick and tired of being sick and tired all over again.
Everything aches, no energy. Having feelings of hopelessness, depression and
anxiety all over again. You’d think every time I packed away another size of
clothing…not to go down but to go up a size. It would have hit me. When I was
at the doctor and stepped on that scale and the first number that I worked so
hard for to become a 1 to turn back into a 2. That should have been the point
where I said I will not let this happen to me. However, I didn’t change a
thing. I continued down that slippery slope. I’m an addict; weight loss surgery
didn’t change that.
I have gotten to wear I hate going places where I see people
I know. I hate having to find something to wear. I see the looks I am given by
those who saw me change for the better to be right back where I was. I know
comments are made as to why would I let myself gain it back…there is not a day
I don’t think the same thing. There is not a day or even a moment in the day my
mind is not on my weight and this battle I am facing.
I am not writing this because I have an answer of what to do.
I really don’t have an answer. My sleeve was my tool…my answer! I know it’s
there. I do feel restriction when I eat what I am supposed to. But I have
abused my sleeve so much. All we go through as wls patients and I took
advantage of the opportunity I was given. I know there is no finish line. I am
in a lifelong battle of food addiction. When I had reached under my goal of
145, my mind was not there. I didn’t see it. Now if I look at a picture of me at
my lowest weight…which I rarely do anymore…I see it! I don’t have a clue how I
am going to get back to there but I DO KNOW…I have got to give it my all to
try. What I do know is I can’t keep on like this.
